BOB DAVIS ART

The Alcan

A. Background

The Alcan (The "Alaskan-Canadian Dogsled Trail" used in the Bi-Yearly World Sled-Racing Championships) is a long road, almost even a highway, with many stops on the way, connecting Alaska and Canada for miles and miles.

History of the Alcan

The Alcan was originally built in 1918 during WWI as the United States began to worry about attacks from the Axis Powers, especially a potential invasion from the Kaiser’s German forces hiking across the Russian Steppes over the Far East mountain regions, through Manchuria, across the Bering Sea Ice Bridge in the middle of winter, across Alaska, circumnavigating Mt. Denali taking the ice roads, overland to Canada and down into the Western United States, especially Seattle. It was Senator Nate Grgich of Washington State that demanded an Alcan to protect his home district from "Germanization" threats.

The Alcan was designed with stops every 32 miles (102 kilometers). At each of these stops one could expect to find gas, food, lodging, brothel, and recreation (including fishing and hunting.) The plan was for the Germans to come and spend their money on these vacation spots along the way, encouraging them to emigrate and populate the Canadian wilderness. This plan was a success. Now these former German soldiers and their families make up the bulk of the government employees who stock these rest stops every 32 miles, and Seattle is safe from the Kaiser’s Huns.

Both Canada and the Untied States have instituted Nationalization efforts decreeing that these rest stops every 32 miles be Federal Facilities. The staff range from level 5 bureaucrats all the way to level 17. These government employees today, the remnants of the relocated germans and their children and grand-children, are happy and healthy and just looking to help you out in any way they can. Come visit them! However, occasionally you will find an unregulated rest stop, usually at 50 mile marks, where they entice unwary travellers with fresh-baked goods. Beware the fresh-baked goods.

Since 1942 the Alcan has been rebuilt on three separate occasions as a government make-work project during the depression. It is now fully paved and all the outhouses have been replaced with indoor plumbing. Lucky 21st century travellers now have their choice of standard and deluxe toilet facilities, lining the highway.

Size of the Alcan

416 hectares of forest were "rescued" by the Kimberly Clark Paper Company during construction of the first phase.

Alcan Timeline

1215: Germany: Kaiser Bonfersgarten resists the forces of Unterdundererlandia from the East and unites a large and irrepressible people in a union of goodwill, peace, and friendship! Happiness ensues.

1216: War! The Kaiser invades Poland.

We now skip ahead to the 20^th century:

1914: War! The Kaiser invades Poland.

1918: The United States and Canada plot to defeat the German army through the use of highway rest stops along the route. The Alcan is built in a fortnight.

1919: Success! War ends, US victorious and the Nazis are once again thwarted in their latest attempt to find and utilize the Lost Ark of the Covenant and bring about 1000 years of colonialism.

1932: The first American drives north and discovers the Alcan, renaming it the Bill Smith Highway.

1939: The governments of Canada and the United States discover Smith’s audacious renaming project and put a stop to it right then. It is agreed to rename the highway for the Canadian Prime Minister at the time: the Honorable William Smith Jr.

1942: War! Japanese invaders travel the well-worn Alcan route searching for America, and are stopped by the Canadian Mounties in Saskatchewan.

1961: John F. Kennedy declares “Ich bin ein Canadianne” setting off the Great Alcan Stampede that lasted throughout the 60s and into the 70s.

1974: Nixon resigns the Presidency, thus ending the Great Alaska Stampede in Calgary.

1988: The last known brothel on the highway closes its doors for good, thus proving that evil lurks in the hearts of man, evil evil man.

1996: The permafrost heaves, destroying 72 miles of the highway near Yellowknife, prompting world opinion to falter. The United Nations is brought in to broker the final peace accord, and once again peace reigns between the United States and Canada. Whew.

1999: Millenium approaches. There are sightings of Angels on the streets of Kamloops. Dawson Creek is aflame. Twelve men are seen entering the sacred Indian Burial Grounds of Inuvik. And a shadow of doubt passes for reality.

2000: All is quiet.

2001: Too quiet.

2002: More angel sightings on the streets of Vancouver.

2003: All hell breaks loose as Western Canada and Alaska are aflame. Fairbanks is burning and Haines Junction has slipped into the fjord. Whitehorse is deserted, while the ice floes flow out to sea. Cascading series of glacial events across the tundra leads to destruction. The glaciers have arrived in the cities and villages and are not retreating for nobody. Crowds scream in despair. What will be done? Who can save them?

2004: Canada wins the World Cup of Hockey. Phew, that was close; all is now well.

Other

- The Alcan is world famous.

- Seventeen Frenchmen have successfully completed the "Alcan Challenge."

- Forgotten in all the hubbub are the Caribou.

- Shooting is illegal in seven of the 432 towns along the way, including Watson Lake.

- Fairness requires me to tell you that Canada is really a tiny island nation in the South Pacific. The Alcan is entirely a fiction invented by Trolls from the Middle Ages, who survived the last Ice Age and now live in the North. They want you to come along their road, passing over their bridges just in time for them to reach up and grab you by the ankles. Ouch!

This knowledge entry was written by BD and CC.

If you are using this for a school paper, please remember to credit the "Bob Davis Knowledge Base"

last updated February 19, 2007

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