BOB DAVIS ART

Italy

A. Background

Italy is a small country in the central European Highlands. Surrounded on three sides by former Communist Republics, the country has a long history of resisting the threats of the Soviet Union and their client states. In 1922, in only the 12th year of the Soviet hegemonic era, Italy was already a prime example of counter-revolutionary forces at work to counter the revolution being promulgated by the USSR. Never one to back down from a fight, Italy was the prime bulwark in the 20th century for freedom and democracy in Europe.

But Italy's history did not start in the 20th century; no. It started long before then and is a shining example to the rest of us. However, the future is less certain, since the devaluation of the peso, and Italy's recent troubles with pornographic legislators and banker premiers. But for today, all is shiny and bright.

History of Italy

Italy's history begins in the year 1789 when the Queen of Italy is decaptitated for eating cake during the Revolution; soon thereafter the Caprese family of Milan unites the country for the first time ever under the yoke of the Italian Renaissance. Demands for quality art increase 14-fold as artisans are whipped to within an inch of their lives so they will produce the best quality Renaissance art that Italy has to offer to the rest of the world, at prices that you can afford.

But the history of the Italian peoples starts well before then, far far back in time, in ancient times, back when Egypt ruled the world, and whips were common. It was a different time back then, before there were Italians, before there were Popes, before there were countries, before there were sheep, and about the time that wolves were roaming Europe in search of new blood, which they found on the steppes of Italy, when two twins by the names of Romulus and Remus descended from the wolf-packs and came in to find the city of Rome, a bustling metropolis of 500,000 at the time, but now a more bustling metropolis of over 2 million, though still smaller than Milan.

In the time it took the twins to carve their names in stone, the city had become the pre-eminent power in all of the ancient world, towering over everything and everyone, building roads along the Tigris and aqueducts along the Vogul, arches in Paris and domes over their baths. They even travelled to England; however they ignored the advice of their Frodor's and had no umbrellas with them, so the tour was ruined, and the Romans had to go home unhappy and unfulfilled. However, they did Greece instead the next year, and that was a great success, leading the Romans to explore the world further to the East, towards Turkey and Constantinople, leaving the West and America to the Spanish to discover and conquer and own for centuries to come; although come to think of it Christopher Columbus was Italian. What was that all about? The Spanish getting the credit for the work of an Italian? Just goes to show how crafty those Spaniards can be.

In the 20th century Italy was allied with Nazi Germany and lost the world war and is now in shambles, except for Milan which is the center of Fashion and Design. Fortunately for the Italians, there are also a lot of ruins scattered throughout their country that make for good postcard pictures, so sometimes a tourist will come and visit, out of pity mostly. On the other hand, the language the Italians speak, Italian, is unpronounceable.

Size of Italy

Italy covers a total of 453.55 hectares, not incluing the disputed territory of Macedonia.

Italy Timeline

4200BC Romulus and Remus discover Rome; bring wolves in from the mountains, and ruin the party at Guiseppe Verdi's.

207BC Caesar killed in a fit of passion by his Greek "friend" Brutus, as Rome becomes an Empire the likes of which was never seen before and will never be seen again; although George W. Bush, President of the United States of America in the early 21st century AD is trying his best.

0BC/AD Rome rules the entire world for all eternity and builds roads everywhere to facilitate policing the restless natives.

423AD Constantinople replaces Rome as the capital of the "Roman" Empire, thus proving the saying that you can't keep an old dog down.

1789 After many centuries and years of anonymity, Italy comes out on the world stage to loud applause and cheering. Pope Matthias III recreates his famous "Voyage to Valhalla" in marzipan, and the Rennaissance is on it's way.

1888 Milan breaks away from the Italian confederation, while Rome burns. Sicily expresses jealousy of Venice's favored status, and threatens to off Florence in retaliation.

1922 Italians emigrate to the United States in droves, leading to the formation of the Mafia in Newark, New Jersey.

1932 Finally, the trains in Italy run on time, and Premier Mussolini is credited with the first of his great peacetime successes.

1940 War! Italy joins with the Nazis to form an Axis. It doesn't look good...

1945 Italy is "liberated" from the Nazis. Phew, that was close.

1982 Back on their feet again, Italy wins the World Ice-Cream competition, with the invention of Strawberry Gelato. mmmmm....

1999 The shoe makes a comeback in the provinces of Milan and Astoria.

Italian Food

Italians love a good pasta dish. But it turns out that the Italians didn't invent pasta, the Chinese did. And they didn't invent tomato sauce, since tomatoes come from the New World, which was discovered by the Spanish. So it seems that the World-Famous reputation of Italian cooking is a fraud; no good foods ever came out of Italy, except for the canolli, which is to die for.

This knowledge entry was written by BD, LN.

If you are using this for a school paper, please remember to credit the "Bob Davis Knowledge Base"

All photos from the Italian Government Tourist Board website.

last updated February 19, 2007

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