BOB DAVIS ART
A. Background
The story of UFOs starts many thousands of years ago, in a time before time when archeological records were unknown; when people were dinosaurs and the little green men in space ships came to Earth in search of intelligent life. Having accidentally caused a giant meteor to strike the Earth in the Pre-Cambrian to Post-Crustacean time thus wiping out the dinosaurs, the Aliens sheepishly left never to return. Until today....
History of UFOs
The History of the Aliens on Earth, landing their UFOs and stuff, began in the year 3 million BC. But in this particular story we will be concentrating on the later years, when other aliens from other worlds also came and visited the Earth. This was a time when the Earth was considered the Garden Vacation Spot of the Western Universe On a Budget. Tour packages were available from all the reputable planets.
In the time of the Ancient Egyptians, the Gods came down from heaven to reside in the bodies of the Pharoahs. These Gods were actually the aliens from the planet Zarcon. They were dressed in snazzy gold-leaf, with wizened eyes and rectangular dance steps.
In the time of the Ancient Greeks, the Gods stayed up on the mountains of Olympus, looking down with their thunderbolts and chariots and sun and stuff. These Gods were actually the aliens from the planet Gymnospora. They enjoyed a good wrestling match, and so taught the male humans how to wrestle, in the nude, all oiled up and lathered for action. Thus were invented the ancient Olympic Games.
In the time of the Ancient Romans, the Gods were banished from the capital city. These Gods were the Gaullics, from the planet Gaullic, in the Gaullic Nebula. They did not bathe regularly; soon they were not welcomed by the natives, and thus the Ancient Roman Emperors banished them to the hinterlands, of France. The Emperors were from the planet Pygmalian.
In the time of the Dark Ages that spread darkly throughout the European continent, spreading darkness upon the Earth, there were Faeries and Sprites and Wood Nymphs and Naiads that all lived happily together in the forests. These were from the planet Woodsalia. They disappeared one evening after a bacchanalia of largely epic proportions when the witches of the woods said their spells and the famous fires of 842 spread throughout the realm, driving the Aliens away for good and forever, singing and dancing all the way.
In the 20th century there were tales throughout the lands of Angels on the Streets of Berlin, and Vancouver, and in the town of Bedford Falls. These Angels that were good angels and that helped people, were from the planet Judicia. They are still occassionally noticed in areas of the Heartland of America, including Iowa, Nebraska, and Missouri. They no longer visit the cities, as they fear for their reputations since Mayor Giuliani closed down their Times Square "theaters."
In the 21st Century, finally we now know the truth, and the Aliens walk the streets without cover of god-ness. They no longer feel the need to shove their omnipotence and immortality in our faces. So we walk by and ignore them and they ignore us, and soon they will leave and never come back, writing bad reviews of Earth food in their Frodor's Guide to the Galaxy.
UFO Timeline
6:00am I hear a noise, and am awakened in a state of heightened readiness, ready to do battle with the forces of evil let loose upon the world in my darkest dreams and fantasies.
6:45am I get up, slowly, slowly, tiptoeing quietly, quietly, walking gently to the door of my bedroom and listen for sounds of impending doom through the door. The sounds are like crickets at night gently chirping. I close the backyard door and return to my vigilant waiting in bed under the covers.
7:12am The waiting is becoming serious here. I have to get up. I have to go see what is going on out there. I have to use the bathroom.
7:13am In the hallway, the bright light flashes in my face, and I scream like a little girl.
7:14am As I regain my vision, I see it is Aliens, come down from their UFO. They are taking flash pictures of me in my pajamas. Damn tourists.
7:35am Over a cup of freshly brewed coffee, they tell me about their planet, Moroni, and their trip here to Earth, sponsored by a group of religious missionaries, on a two-year mission to convert the Earthlings. They give me some literature, and ask me to consider their faith.
8:00am It looks pretty good, I must say, and so I give them a few dollars, and take some more of their literature, and they say they'll call back on me later in the week. This seems like a good time to ask them if I can see their spaceship.
8:40am We arrive at the landing strip in the woods not 4 miles from my house. It is a nice landing strip: gravel, wide and smooth. The ship is a lighter shade of purple, with green trim. Upon entering, I immediately recognize their decorator, and complement them on their Ikea "schlormii" sofa.
8:55am We take off, and they take me for a ride in their spaceship.
10:00am We're zooming around the galaxy at twice the speed of light, and I notice the pilot is feeling a little woozy, and the copilot seems to have left; maybe he's just gone to use the restroom.
10:02am Now the pilot has completely passed out. Oh-my-god, now what do I do? I call out for a little help here, but nobody answers. In fact there seems to be an echo, like there's nobody else left on board. I look out the window and I don't recognize the star system we're in. That's not Earth ahead! It looks like a black hole!
10:08am Phew, that was close.
11:20am We're back on target heading home to Earth, and it turns out I'm going to be on a Moroni TV show! I've been Punk'ed! They set me up to think I was alone on the bridge to see if I could pilot the ship away from the black hole! Oh the laughs we've had!
2:42pm We arrive safely back home, and I'm sworn to secrecy, until the TV show premieres. So please, keep quiet about this, or they'll be back to take away my prize money.
UFO Sizes
The UFOs, the Alien Space Ships, are big. Very Big. Bigger than Rhode Island. Bigger than Kentucky. They're 465.3 hectares big.
UFO Shapes
The UFOs are cigar shaped, a little rounder on the front end, a little narrower on the back end.
Dental Records
Never board a UFO without your dental records to prove who you really are. The border patrols at some of the outer planets are murder. Take heed of the case of one Robert Sheldershed. He forgot his dental records, and is now forced to live out the rest of his natural life on the planet of Gazoombah, with only a planet full of beautiful women to keep him company, and to fulfill all his sexual fantasies. He can never come home, without his dental records. He can never even leave the planet's surface, never leave the naked bodies that surround him day and night, the luscious luscious bodies.
This knowledge entry was written by BD, JTK, S, and Dr. LM.
If you are using this for a school paper, please remember to credit the "Bob Davis Knowledge Base"
All Images from Star Trek, The Animated Series.
llast updated February 19, 2007
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© 2007 Bob Davis Art