BOB DAVIS ART

Manners

A. Background

Manners were discovered in the cellar of Queen Josephine IVI of Bulgaria prior to the onset of the First World War. Unsure what to do with them once they were uncovered, she requested an audience with Pope Pontius IXI, who promptly disavowed any knowledge of this incident, and to this day still disavows any knowledge of this incident. The unfortunate queen was then forced to turn her attention to the source of the "manners" located underground, and found alongside their place of repose an entire prison of prisoners left over from the Austro-Bulgarian war of 1885. These long-term Austros has been prisoners for so long they had forgotten the true and abiding rules of society from whence they came, and instead were forced to live in vermin-encrusted surroundings, whilst chained to the walls of the castle's cellar. This unpleasantness is never to be repeated by people of good civil upbringings in fine urban environments from whence they came.

But I will tell you more. I will tell you the secrets of their yearnings, and their desires, and their hopes for a future unburdened by vermin-encrusted surroundings. I have the secret tales of these prisoners stashed in the Bulgarian Queen's cellar for so many decades, so desirous of company and society that they turned to each other for comfort, for help and for good manly conversation too. They were beyond hope, beyond comfort, beyond freedom, beyond the normal strictures of their fellow-man and were cast into the depths of the underbelly of the darkest deepest undergroundiest place that mankind has to offer itself to its poorest and least fortunate amongst us who are sent off to foreign lands like Bulgaria to fight the wars of succession that the royalists want us to fight so that they can be good Kings and Queens and marry amongst themselves and produce good Princes and Princesses filled with the blue blood of their forefathers while we toil in obscurity for their benefits, cast into the cellar and left to be forgotten by all but the most noble and best in mankind, the hardiest, the showiest, the longest and the crack team of investigators unloosed upon the world by the forces of good to discover what evil lurks beneath.

That is what I'm talking about, here, from the comfort of the 21st century, looking back to these men, and a couple of women too, imprisoned in Bulgaria in the late 19th century, and still not released. I beg you to please release them, finally, now, when Bulgaria is once again a free country; please release them from the Queen's cellar! Help them! Send them your donations of used clothing and old cans of food you would rather not open. Send letters to the Bulgarian consulate. Show up at your local Bulgarian festivals, and beg for their release, the end to their long bondage.

History of Manners

Manners are such a happy and sunny pursuit of hobbyists today, that it is hard to know where in the history of society one should begin. However, manners were especially well liked and the rules properly followed in Victorian times.

Sometimes I wonder what has taken hold of the world. It seems like only yesterday, back in Victorian times, that manners were all the rage, and people did what they were told, and kept things neat and tidy, and everyone knew their place and nobody ever argued in public. But no more. Since 1956 when the film Rebel Without a Cause was released to widespread horror in the drawing rooms of America, nobody seems to care about manners anymore. It is sad, really. How are people to know which fork to use with the fish course and which spoon to use with the espresso if they don't have manners? How do they know whether to address people by "Mr.", "Sir" or "Hey you, f***head"? They can't know. And now they no longer know. It is all gone. Lost forever in the mists of time.

Timeline

1922 Emily Post publishes her first guide to manners. From the book review in the New York Times, August 13, 1922, by Joshua Simms Cornbluth III: "Based on what her mother told her in Victorian times, Ms. Post has written a most enlightening book on how the common people are to behave under all circumstances, and at all times, especially when meeting their betters. The book is a fabulous compedium of how the wealthiest are usually correct in matters of manners, having had the proper schooling at Miss Sandstrom's Finishing School in Algonquin." Old-Money families are especially ripe for satire in her book, as they seem to know which fork to use with the fish course and which spoon to use with the espresso.

1928 Revised text of Emily Post's now famous book comes out with new advise for the extremely wealthy who have earned their "new money" in the Roaring 20s. She advises them to not worry about the little people, for they will take care of themselves.

1929 Depression. Emily Post killed in gun battle on Wall Street.

1950 Beginning of the last hurrah of manners. People in the 1950s have contorted themselves into paroxysms of conventiality and conformity in an attempt to meet the extraordinarily high standards of public behavior required in the latest edition of Emily Post, the 1949 edition of Good Manners in a World of Postwar Hegemony as America Marches in Lockstep to Freedom. (Harcourt Press, New York, 1949)

1956 It all falls apart with one look at James Dean. Swooning becomes a popular pastime as parents are ignored, manners forgotten, and kids stay up all night hanging out at the local soda fountain until even as late as 10:00pm.

1962 One last attempt at manners, at holding the oncoming forces of the 1960s at bay, as first lady Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis releases her short book on manners, "How to be Like Me."

Size

16 people are still hard at work in the Manners Industry, located in Schenectedy, NY alongside Interstate 19, in the greensward by the creek. Their offices are in room 317 of the Gulliver Building. They overlook 2 hectares of pure joy.

Manners Questions

Reader Josephine W. writes in to ask what she can do for her boyfriend on his birthday that won't embarass his friends at the surprise party she's throwing. The editors suggest a b***job in the hall closet, where the coats will muffle the sounds so as not to disturb and embarrass the guests.

Longtime listener, first time writer Susan H. asks what to do about her grandmother who is becoming a little senile, embarrassing her when they are out at restaurants by asking for Sanka. The proper course of action is to quietly let the wait staff know in advance of this senile old bitty and her wacky and unrepentant ways, and have them bring her a double shot of regular espresso instead, thus jump-starting her heart for the afternoon.

A reader from Montreal who wishes to remain anonymous, return address: 1513 Canuck Lane, Apartment 3D, writes asking for an answer to a problem dealing with the close quarters he (or she) shares with the 17 members of his (or her) family. It seems that every time his wife (or husband) cooks dinner, the dog gets quite roudy and frisky, and the children egg him on and then all of a sudden it seems like 18 people and 4 animals are all trapped in one stiflingly small room making a racket that can be heard for 6 blocks, but especially by the Jeffersons downstairs. Oy, the noise. The editors suggest the anonymous reader get a small apartment in another neighborhood as an occasional retreat, possibly as far away as Toronto, to which he (or she) can get away from his (or her) wife (or husband) on those moments when a little peace and quiet would sure help with his sanity, for god's sake.

If you have questions for the Bob Davis Manners Police, please send your questions to us by email. We will respond quickly and discreetly.

This knowledge entry was written by BD, MM, EP and RRO.

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last updated February 19, 2007

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