BOB DAVIS ART
A. Background
The Automobile was invented by the famous and irascible artist known as Michelangelo in the year 1812. Along with that other famous and irascible artist, Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo was a quick wit, a hardy soul, a long-term member of the Chamber of Commerce, and an inventor on the side. Whilst da Vinci was busy inventing the airplane, Michelangelo busied himself with inventing the automobile, originally using a 16-cylinder design, with overhead cams and fully hydraulic brakes, a wraparound wind-screen and armored siding. It was this success that led the Pope, Pilates II, to commission him to paint the ceilings of the sixteen chapels.
History of Cars
The History of the modern automobile begins in 1900 when Henry Ford III invented the factory worker. Prior to this, factories were primarily staffed by robots, but robots were expensive to operate, and required constant refueling. Henry Ford III was able to see the future, and realized that factory workers could be paid just enough salary so that they could afford to buy the latest Model T, and didn't need to be fully refueled.
The automobile really took off in the 1950s when James Dean made them sexy.
Since the gas shortages of the 70s, 80s and 90s most people have begun to drive the much larger SUVs as they have much larger gas tanks to store more fuel (the average SUV holds 45 gallons, whereas the average wussy little hybrid holds only 6 pipsqueek little gallons) for those times when the gas lines get too long. Thank god for American ingenuity - figuring out how to store more gasoline! Soon Americans will have tax breaks on vehicles that weigh more than 8 tons; equal to more than 24 hybrids stacked on top of each other! Then all Americans with incomes over $200,000 won't be burdened by having to pay for the enviromental damage caused by all those tiny little miserly hybrids running around everywhere in the "carpool" lanes. American ingenuity at work, once again!
Size
The latest figures from Detroit for the Hummer XKJ46b is .032 hectares. Boy, that's big! To put it in terms you can understand, the Hummer is bigger than 3 small New England states. The Hummer is bigger than Liechtenstein. The Hummer is bigger than your dreams, bigger than your nightmares, bigger than all your hopes and aspirations put together in one tiny girlishly be-ribboned package. But not as big as California Governor Herr Arnold of Schwarzenwasser.
Shape
Cars come in many and varied sexy shapes including: boxy, streamlined, aerodynamic, striped, stripped, filleted, pastellated, frenelated, gorgonzolated, sixter, ovoid, grilled, shadow-boxer, river-washed, stone-washed, round, oval, misconstrued, square, diamond, I-begged-you-not-to-buy-that-useless-hunk-of-metal, triangle, petulant, satisfied, organized, free and most commonly "hieronymous bosch."
Timeline
1643 Pope Silvius secretly wishes for a pope-mobile.
1644 German manufacturer Herr Mercedes von Trongfuddle invents the horseless carriage. As there are no horses attached to this particular carriage, it does not go anywhere.
1645 Not to be outdone, the French manufacturer Monsieur Citroen le Foo invents the carriage-less horse. As this horse has no carriage to drag, it takes off into the woods.
1646 The American superstar of the early pre-revolutionary times, Dr. Cod, invents the horse-in-carriage. This remarkable invention is able to transport horses across rugged terrain, over mountain passes, through the woods, and into the heart of Indian territory, through the use of slave labor.
1647 Late to the game, the Italian inventor Il Maserati invents the surrey with the finge on top, a marketing failure throughout Italy and the entire European Peninsula, but which ends up selling well in the American wilderness colony of Oklahoma.
1898 Finally, the first commercially viable automobile goes on the market, the Zeppelin. Purchases are made throughout the civilized world, selling especially well in Lakehurst, NJ.
1902 Sir Walter Scott invents the lullaby.
1914 War! Crafty Japanese invent the Honda to cover more ground on the battlefield in the hope that the trench warfare eventually gives way to movement.
1916 America joins the war effort, while Henry Ford III invents the jeep for the first time. Now a battlefield car can go out on the battlefield with no fears from anyone or anything, as the canvas topped Jeep makes a good wartime transport.
1917 Retreat! The tanks overwhelm the Jeeps.
1919 Peace reigns. Woodrow Wilson invents the League of Nations and war is banished forever after. Lucky Lindy hops aboard the automobile craze and drives a Chevy Classic Six across the entire length and breadth of the country, winning the Nobel Prize for Physics in the interim.
1939 War! Germans invent the volkswagon" tank to satisfy their yearnings for peace and prosperity.
1945 Peace reigns yet again, as the volkswagon tank experiment fails, never to be seen again.
1991 War! In the Gulf War, America finally comes up with an answer to the tank - the Hummer.
2002 Tax Cuts! The largest Hummers are now available to the wealthiest Americans for free, thanks to a change in the tax code that allows the entire cost of a Hummer, and only the Hummer among cars, to be fully deductible.
2004 The world's largest car is built in Sjornberg, Sweden by displaced Iraqi weapons scientists at the behest of A.Q. Kahn.
Bonus Fun Facts
Sometimes in the summertime when it is really hot outside, and your car is starting to overheat, it is a good idea to add water to your radiator - but let the car cool off first! Or you'll get a face full of steam!
There are 3 major car companies in Europe: Ford, GM and Microsoft.
Satellites reveal for the first time in 1998 that half the world's surface is now covered with automobile junk yards.
It is a good idea to add windshield washer fluid before driving the Alcan, as there are no gas stations along the way. Good luck.
Cars are outlawed in New York City. Everyone takes a cab.
This knowledge entry was written by BD and HF, GM, FC, MB.
If you are using this for a school paper, please remember to credit the "Bob Davis Knowledge Base"
All photos are from Ford Motor Company, USA.
last updated February 19, 2007
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© 2007 Bob Davis Art