BOB DAVIS ART

Carpet

A. Background

At the time that carpeting was first invented, there were six brothers competing for the largest share of the market: Sol, Shimmel, Corrie, Smithie, Laszlo and Stims the Elder. Sons of Brodie, the Urgent, they spent 16 years in fierce competition before the King of Belgrade finally made his selection, the red one with the little curlicue patterns in the corner, thus ensuring that Smithie would become the leading carpet salesman of his day, reigning over all of the Ancient World's great carpet markets from Marakkesh to Micronesia; from Istanbul to Isfalusia, with a side trip to take the baths at Curacao, a pleasant diversion for anyone interested in their history, even unto today.

But the story does not end there. There were thieves at work, and murderers too. There were sheep to be sheared, fibers to be sorted and dyed,  treadles to be pumped, needles to be stuck and unstuck, knots to be invented, edging to be sewn, carpet tacks to be furiously produced in extremely large quantities throughout the Southern States, angles to be advanced, shapes to be developed independently of the machinery necessary for their obvious outgrowths, and nudity to be prohibited in all forms of carpets except rugs. The history of rugs and nudity are closely tied together, and are being watched even more closely today by the prude and shy forces of anti-nudity and anti-rugitry that hold the reigns of power throughout the greater good world.

In days hence when the fire is raging and the warmth has penetrated deeply into your bones as you lounge on the shag rug in front of the hearth; when the stone outcroppings are fulfilled in their prophecies of doom in the millenia yet to come, yet to be advanced in the stories told in Biblical Times that shall overtake our world soon, soon enough my dears, soon enough for the stone outcroppings to be seen in everlasting terms, glacial in their movements, overtaking the forces that rule the carpet industry today; then, and only then, can we expect far greater discounts, deeper and without end, on the lighter weight wools comparable to the prices for nylon today, yea even unto their polyesters, scotch-guarded all.

History of Carpet

I hear tell that carpet was invented in Turkey in the year 4222BC by a small and undistinguished shepherd whose herd of sheep had cast him out to the marketplace to sell his wares, their coats, shorn and turned out into the carpets of flashingly broadloomed reds and golds, burgundy too. We can only imagine the looks of awe and interest from those market go-ers back then, when floors were dirt and coats were made from corn-silk, and who knew that sheep could keep us warm, sharing their coats as coats, but more importantly creating the material needed to keep our feet warm at night when the cold dark night comes enveloping the lives of the Ancients, bringing with it the cold dark winters and the cold dark summers and Autumn would then set up shop too early and the darkness fell deeply as they did not yet have electricity or cotton materials either. So the carpets were brought to the marketplace in Turkey in the small town of Weverka, Philip the Red really took the Empire by storm, spreading the good word of finished floors abroad to the eventual Roman Emperors who were happy indeed. And Philip's son, Szismark, who became known as the "Crazy One", for his low low prices, was handsomely rewarded by the Kings and Queens of European states yet to be invented.

Size

Most carpets these days are wall-to-wall, with only a few remnants left to fill the room-sized needs of those without walls. Wall-to-wall carpets average .00429 hectares, with largest being in the Sheik of Arbusto's white home. Harkening back to the days of a wider Spectrum of availability than now, are the new sizes being offered by the latest craftsmen of Midland, Texas, including Persian and Korean carpets to go with the older Mesopotamian styles.

Carpet Colors

There are 14 standardized colors in the European Union (EU), while various Asian cultures have officially recognized a total of 22 carpet colors. Mexico has rogueishly offered up 213 colors, rejected by all but the most aggressive coloristas in Milan and Rio de Janeiro.

The United States has categorized a pleasantly full list of 30 colors that are available for your perusal, at your convenience.

Now you can order your new rug color by the numbers! These lovely colors are now available in the 18 sizes and shapes allowed by the FCC since their infamous Janet Jackson decision limited the scope of the rug dealers. Come down and visit us at Crazy Szismark's Rug Depot down on 7th! And don't forget to tell them that Crazy Szismark sent you! He'll get you the best prices on the best rugs you've ever touched in your life. Come on down and feel the luxury of our stock. Take off your shoes and walk barefoot through the carpet samples. Lie down comfortably, and rest awhile here in our kingdom of rugs, relaxing in one of our plush cotton-terry robes we'll provide for you so you can strip off the business suit you're wearing, and really see what quality service is like. You'll get to see just how luxurious our rugs can really be down here at the Rug Emporium, where Crazy Szismark let's you try out our rugs for all uses, all positions allowed, just strip of your clothes and go to it, let it all hang out on our carpets. I'm Crazy Szismark and I'll let you use our rugs for your mid-afternoon rendevouz with your secretary, here at the Rug Barn. For a small fee I'll even let you use one of our "secretaries." Because I'm Crazy Szismark.

This knowledge entry was written by BD, FG, LK and FLW.

If you are using this for a school paper, please remember to credit the "Bob Davis Knowledge Base"

Llast updated February 19, 2007

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